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Another Open Letter to One Million Moms

Posted on May 7, 2013 at 6:00 PM

Another Open Letter to One Million Moms

In response to their protest of an "offensive" K-mart advertisement.

To One Million Moms:

Hi there. It's been a while. I know you'll get that one million eventually. I have faith in you like Texans have faith in guns.

Your recent dive in to the correcting of the problems of our society made me realize how much we have been slacking on the real issues that plague our society. Violence. Civil rights. Shootings. Bombings. Explosions. Justin Bieber. All those frivolous things that just muck up our lives have clouded the fact that we've neglected the biggest threat on our society: silliness.

My Lord, if we are going to be silly and goofy all the time, then what does that tell our children?

What wonderful timing to bring up this serious threat on our livelihoods. I could not agree more, we must, as a society and to protect our good, Christian children, find a way to no longer laugh, be silly, have a good time or just have a basic play on words. We can't play on words because words were invented by Jesus right after he buried the dinosaur bones. How dare K-Mart assume we should imply that "shipped" is not "shipped" at all but an offensive act that should be done only in the privacy of one's home and never, ever spoken of, just like kissing and missionary position sex.

The fact is, if we don't find it funny, then we can not, absolutely not, allow others to find it funny either. The only way to ensure that? To remove it from the air entirely. Studies have shown that we must obliterate the notion of humor in any way to live a prosperous and meaningful life. Humor is something the Devil created to trick us in to thinking something is funny. Well, it's not. Life isn't funny, just like Carlos Mencia isn't funny. Life is serious all the time and to say otherwise is an abomination.

So I support you in this endeavor and wish to contribute by quoting a very serious and sincere person that, I hope, you can turn in to a slogan for your new campaign:



Previous Letters

An Open Letter to One Million Moms

An Open Letter to Madame Noir

An Open Letter to the Parent's Television Council


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