|Posted on September 14, 2015 at 2:10 PM|
So That's That...
Well, this is it. The last entry on this website. Sort of. Kind of….let me explain...
You see, I wrote a great piece last week. It was a new entry in the Videogame series where I go into my memories and history of them when I was a kid and teenager in the 1980s and 1990s. It was actually going to be the last in that series because I was struggling to think of more games I had a childhood fondness for - which is the point of all those articles: to remember and relive those memories. It's like a memoir only throgh pop-culture. Actually this whole website is kinda that, isn't it?
Sometimes when I’m writing, it just hits me and I write without even thinking. It’s a great experience and for pages I wrote about the Atari 2600, from the moment we got it in our household and figured out what an RF switch was, to the moment of turning on Pac-Man and it SO not being Pac-Man, to the ushering of the NES and putting that little Atari in a garage sale. Not just all that about the Atari itself, though, but also memories of childhood and the 1980s and growing up and how that all influences who I became. It was a journey. The whole point of it being the last was to make it all full-circle and end with stories of how it all began.
And my computer didn’t save it. Not one crossed "T" or dotted "I.” Not one MB or KB. I came back to my computer after a weekend, and it’s as though it didn’t even exist.
All that work was gone. I can’t just pull that back from the dead either. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking “just write it again” but I can’t. Once it’s out of my head and typed onto a computer through my fingertips, my brain tosses all those thoughts out with it. The whole point of me writing it all out was so it wasn’t cluttering up my head and it’s a great relief to finally get it on paper. Whether it’s a movie review or blog or a screenplay or short story. They all bounce around in there until that spark happens and then I write my ass off for hours.
I feel a sense of loss, like when you hear a spoiler from a movie you hadn't had a chance to see yet - that experience is just gone now. The whole point of me writing on this blog and all the stuff on it was just to have an exercise. That’s all it’s ever been. That’s why I’ve never monetized it or advertised it or tried to make it bigger. It’s just a way to write something different once in a while so I don’t overthink all the other things I write as a profession or at my full-time job. It’s a hobby, nothing more.
However, it’s a hobby I wanted to share. I wanted to put out there and maybe others will read and enjoy it. Maybe not. I don’t care either way, but the whole point of writing is to have others read it. Just like making music to have others listen or a movie to have others see. It’s an expression to be shared, not insulated in your head - hence my sense of sadness to know that one article is now unable to be shared.
The risk isn’t high, of course. This isn’t my profession. I can’t imagine if I was working for some newspaper and I go into my editor and have to say “My computer didn’t save it.” That’s a livelihood. Truth is, it’s not the computer’s fault. I should have backed it up and made sure it saved it before I shut down my computer for the weekend. This wasn’t the first time it’s happened, but the other stuff I wrote I don’t think meant as much to me. This was a like a full-circle piece I put down, and now it’s gone. Forever. Even writing this now I’m having difficulty remembering exactly what it was about, but I know now I would spend more time trying to recapture that feeling rather than organically having it and expressing it. It would just come across as a falsehood and trying too hard.
So that’s that. I don’t know, I think six years of blogging and reviewing movies and whatnot is a good run for a hobby. Right? I’ll still do movie reviews, probably. Those are easy and quick and I see more than enough movies to do a few a week, but the big articles? The ones that are long-as-shit or over-analyize stuff or review them, I think those are done. I was already struggling to get those out and now, the one that I was so proud of now gone? Yeah, that’s a sign.
I had some big ones planned. The Not That Bad series was kind of popular, I liked doing those even though they were exhausting. Here’s a quick rundown of some future entries that I won’t ever get to now: Zardoz wasn’t bad. Alien 3 was bad. The Dark Knight Rises was bad. Ishtar wasn’t bad. License to Kill wasn’t bad. Batman Returns was bad. Speed Racer wasn’t bad (in fact it’s incredible…I was going to end the series with this one at some point). Matrix sequels are both bad and good. The Lone Ranger wasn’t bad. Daredevil was bad. I think that's it as far as what I was planning.
Also at some point the three Star Wars prequels were going to be in that mix, which was also going to be a discussion about the original trilogy as well. Well, at least I don’t have to sit through Clone Wars again, I guess. Those were the ones planned, and I would love to go into detail about all of them but I guess we’ll end it with the A-Team entry and call it a day.
I was going to do a Wes Craven thing this Halloween - the Halloween Tribute blogs my favorites to write. It was going to be another three-parter like the Romero one as Craven had a super-long career, but that’s not happening. And I was planning a Cassavetes retrospective for December as I am currently watching all of his films and was going to share some stories working as Gena Rowland’s publicist/manager/friend.
Oh, and I am currently going through every single X-Files episode. I don't know if anything would ever come from that, I also did it for all the Star Treks and never wrote on it as I planned, but still...
Maybe it's because The Dissolve ended I'm also kind of disheartened on film writing. I mean, why write a great though-provoking piece when you can click on Youtube and see "everything wrong with" something, right? Or some hack trying to criticize something and all he does is nitpick and feign hyperbolic anger? Or a site more concerned about being trendy and cool when all they really do is be a PR mouthpiece for videogame publishers or film studios?
Ungh...I don't need to go into that now. Not again. Stop now, man...there's some good sites and people out there...think of the good ones....think of the good ones...
I just need to push all that out of my life. I know I get hits. I know I get traffic. That's cool and all, but it’s a lot of work piled on top of the actual work I have to do in my life. Losing a great article that I was proud of seemed to just be that moment of realization - I put so much work into it and have nothing to show just ruined any sense of fun or enjoyment I had writing on the side as I do now. That was all I had - the enjoyment of it - but that just killed it for me.
But I did some good stuff here and there. Stories working in the TV and film industry, numerous blogs about internet culture, a lot of reviews and such and I hope I approached it all with a level head. I hate nonsense and I despise people trying too hard to scream their loudest at something.
So if you’ve come here a lot over the past few years or maybe you’re new and just came across it months after I’ve called it quits, I just want to say thanks. You’re awesome. Enjoy this, and life and have fun with it all.
PS: I’ll still put up some movie reviews on occasion, at least twice a week. That’s it, though. Adios!